Query: My baby’s father has solely been current upon his personal whim. He comes round occasionally for an hour or two to verify our four-year-old son remembers who he’s. He has a girlfriend who’s now supposedly his fiancee.
Mockingly, final week, he was asking me to return with him and if I stated no, he vowed to undergo with the wedding. Evidently, she is planning and paying for every little thing.
Now he desires my son, who has by no means met his fiancee, to be at his marriage ceremony – this weekend. My son additionally doesn’t work together along with his father’s family, so he can be alone at this fiasco.
I can’t assist pondering that is merely a photograph op and I wish to inform his father no, however I’m unsure if that’s the precise factor to do. What’s good ex-etiquette?
Dr Jan Blackstone: Usually I actually get on mother and father who don’t embody their kids of their marriage ceremony plans, however this one is unquestionably questionable, and I can see why you’re contemplating “no”.
My first thought was, in case your son doesn’t know his father’s fiancee and doesn’t work together along with his father’s prolonged household, who’ll be watching him at this affair? He’s 4. He’ll be frightened not figuring out anybody and pop gained’t have the ability to be at his aspect.
Apart from all that, Dad is asking you to return with him every week earlier than his marriage ceremony after which threatening to go ahead with the wedding in the event you say no? What is that this man pondering? I scent doom in all places – and he’s involving his baby.
Ideally, your son ought to have met his father’s fiancee way back – and developed a relationship together with her – however since this marriage has no actual basis and is constructed on what seems like desperation, I predict one other break-up within the very close to future. It is perhaps in your son’s finest curiosity to have been saved on the sidelines.
Contemplating the historical past you could have advised me, take into consideration the next earlier than you go ahead:
Your baby ought to meet his father’s fiance earlier than the marriage day.
Dad should map out what he envisions for the day of the marriage and allow you to know in no unsure phrases. Who will ship the kid and who can be watching him? When will he be returned to you?
If he can’t provide you with clear-cut solutions along with his baby’s finest curiosity in thoughts, relatively than out and out say “no”, at first, might I counsel that you just redirect his request to after the marriage. “Perhaps Jeremy shouldn’t go to the marriage, however I really need you to be glad. Let’s work out how he can get to know your new spouse comfortably as soon as you might be married.”
Then make some options and safe a plan. Now your son can slowly and comfortably be launched to his father’s spouse they usually can hopefully develop a rapport with out his being distracted by an enormous celebration he actually gained’t perceive.
I want to go on document by saying this entire factor sounds fairly ridiculous.
And, lastly, if Dad can’t provide you with a concerted plan based mostly on his baby, not him or his fiancee, I’d don’t have any downside saying no. That’s in the most effective curiosity of your baby (ex-etiquette for fogeys rule No.1) – and that’s good ex-etiquette. – Tribune Information Service
Dr Jann Blackstone is the creator of Ex-etiquette For Mother and father: Good Behaviour After Divorce Or Separation.
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